Unexpected Truth: I Now Know I Didn’t Come Out Well

Humans must be skeptics in order to find the truth. Because there is always something that lies beneath.

Maria Karvouni

The past fake perception of myself is the gold standard of a well-raised son.

I have always seen myself as the perfect symbol of a good upbringing. God-fearing even though confessed, a failed Catholic. Highly disciplined because I have never robbed or killed anyone. Successful because I got a good education, a reasonably paying job, a beautiful wife, and a middle-class lifestyle.

There has been a lot of proof to confirm that I made it in life.

I could afford some imported alcoholic drinks and their trappings in cool bars without a struggle. I have seen several kids through private schools that are planetary apart from Ndindiruku Primary School, my alma mater barefoot academy. 

My children spend their weekends riding colourful bikes with gears (God knows how I wished to ride one in my childhood) instead of catching grasshoppers, fetching water, splitting firewood, or grazing cows in the hot, blazing sun. They play with leather balls instead of crafting their own with handmade sisal twine and waste polythene paper. 

And no need to mention that I speak fluent English despite starting with a big struggle in differentiating ‘r‘ from ‘l‘ in my pronunciations post-university. I can now talk English without fast breathing or dropping beads of sweat, unlike many years back when it used to happen regularly. Especially when I found myself in the company of town girls who could not speak any other language.

I surely live beyond my childhood dream, but that does not mean much in the bigger picture.

I have separated myself from people of my background and even surpassed many others that I may have admired as a child. Who would tell it to my parents that I haven’t made it? To my village childhood playmates that I didn’t come out that well? To the children of the third world that I am not their perfect role model?

The reality of it dawned on me when a severe unhappiness bout struck big time. I could not figure out what was happening in my life. My wife was genuinely loving; I was not broke; my job was going well; there was no health scare or death in the family. But something inside me was very wrong. I was totally and fast losing myself for no apparent reason.

Raising my level of self-awareness is what saved and taught me that I didn’t come out that well.

It made me realize that I have always seen my life from the lens of my little world that I was brought up in. I had never stopped and deliberately opened up to self-scrutiny and searching beyond my mental cocoon. 

For a long time, I continued to perceive my achievements from the expectations laid out by the family and society that raised me even after growing up and becoming independent. I never sought to know precisely what I was created for, but rather, kept going by what I had been steered to become. 

I was freewheeling myself to the grave. Another precious and wonderfully made soul was wasting away. But now I know my destiny. It took me many days and nights, time and tears, to break it all down to the most exceptional detail. 

I have always been totally all clueless of who I am.

Externally happy, but deep down miserable. A right provider but not a real caring parent. A loving person who never knew how to love himself. A reasonable net worth but a bankrupt self-worth. A leader of many who had no direction for his own. Success and happiness all fuzzy and defined with how much money I make and how I spend it.

Stress, anger, sleeplessness, skin allergies, asthma, bloating, back problems, weight struggles, craving for material things, and diminishing creativity have all been a big part of my life. Little did I know that none of them was innate.

Why did it take so long to see that all was never well with me? 

Why had I never noticed that there are a lot of more successful people in the world who don’t have the problems that I faced? Why did I never look at the state of my own family? And learn from the patterns of its generations to see that all has not been rosy? Why had I never related what was happening to me to where it all began? 

Why do I always see what others have done to elicit my failure and misery and not my contribution? Why is the negative talk more persistent than the positive one in my head? Why have I had more broken people than thriving souls surrounding me? Or bother about people’s judgment of my decisions that do not affect them in any way? Why do I treat people so well, and yet hang out with people who mistreat others?

Why have I spent so much effort and time trying to fit in?

Why did I resist to attend church since childhood but never defined my spirituality in adulthood? Why do I reluctantly keep identifying with the hypocrisy of our religious society? Why do I believe that my children will come out better than I am if the signs of my brokenness and indecisiveness are truly evident?

If I came out well, all would have been well with me.

Folks who raised me would have it all well. Siblings I was raised with would all be fine. Those that I am nurturing would be coming out pretty sound. Those who teach me how to be well would be having it all well. If they are not, surely, all is not well with me and with the world around me. And it has never been.

I came to learn that there have been problems all along, dating back to generations.

I never used my God-given intelligence and all the information around me to correct my life compass and that of my future generations. I was busy coasting and creating impressions of success to conform to the expectations of the society. But a time came when I had to face the truth. 

The truth that has always been glaring. The one that was forever dimmed by the noise of myths around me and the blindness of my soul. The fact that I did not come out well, meant I had a lot to do to reparent and make myself better.

Facing the reality of my inadequacy was saddening but the beginning of a transformation.

It is always easy to criticize others and judge oneself very favourably. Being able to look inside whenever things go wrong feels like walking on your hands at the beginning. But the more you do it, the more you realize that whatever made you miserable or unsuccessful in the past, was all your fault. Since leaving your parents’ cradle, no one has ever been responsible for where or how you show up. And there will never be. 

You may not have been raised well, but so what? You’ve got to put your act together and do some serious work on you. You may have the common perception that you were very well moulded, but who confirms that apart from your ego? You need to wake up and know that the ego has never been genuine.

I urge you to look deep inside yourself.

Face your truth of not coming out well. You may be surprised to learn how far away you have lived from it. See what difference it will make in your life by first admitting that you may need some fixing.

Like Bryant McGill says, “There is really only one true way to progress; fix yourself.”

Surprisingly, self-deception might creep in, and you may as well find no need to do anything for now.

After all, if it does not appear broken, how would you fix it?